I Didn't Do Enough to Write About
Or: I Told Myself I'm Lazy, But I'm Exhausted From Doing Too Much
Two days after I posted my last entry, Don’t Niche Yourself Into Burnout, I was burned out. By writing about niches and my stubborn refusal to niche, I had niched down too far. By day four my mind was brimming with new ideas — too many in fact, so I got overwhelmed and didn’t write anything down (I was in a ton of pain — it was a whole thing). By day six I was thinking, “Consarnit! Is it time to write another newsletter already!? But I didn’t do enough to write about! Why can’t I just do anything? What did I even accomplish this week?”
Self-Accusation
This is a cycle for me. At the end of every day when it’s time to go to sleep, my brain kicks in the door like a drunk parental figure (insert your favorite here) on any given Thursday (or carefully-planned birthday of mine) and bellows, “And what the hell did you do all day? Lay around?”
Guilt triggered. I believe my imaginary brain parent. I stay awake and try to accomplish something. My schedule shifts ever later while my depression grows ever greater. But that’s not what we’re talking about. Contact my oracle for more of my upcoming tragedies.
Likewise, at the end of the week when it’s time to write a newsletter, that angry bastard kicks in the door and screams, “You didn’t do shit this week! You don’t have anything to write about!”
And I believe him. Every time. For a little while.
At first when I look back on the week I just see scrolling on my phone, eating too many popsicles, and living in fear that I’ll someday become the kind of person who wakes up early to stretch. I tell myself, “You fucked up again, you dumb shit. You blew it again.”
But then I sit down and breathe and think about it. Really think about it. I did a ton. It just doesn’t feel like it because most of it didn’t come with dopamine hits in the form of likes and comments. Actually, probably more because of my deep and unerring trauma from childhood.
The Receipts
Now if you’re gonna put the smackdown on Papa Pickled-Brain, you gots to have the receipts:
In between DC on SCREEN and Star Trek Universe, I spent roughly 30 hours on creating podcasts this week! That’s prep, recording, editing, graphic design, uploading, updating our sites, pushing it on social media — the whole nine.
I worked about 5 hours on combing through my old blogs gathering fiction and poetry that I’d like to do something with.
I spent about 6 hours cleaning my office and organizing it. My God the action figures. My God the clutter. My amazing wife helped a great deal here.
I went to get groceries 3 times this week. I know this isn’t interesting or sexy, but it’s like a damned side quest in an open-world RPG — the shit doesn’t progress unless you get milk and toilet paper and for fuck’s fickle sake, more popsicles!
I took care of my wife when she got food poisoning for a couple of days.
Throw in normal trash day routines, meal-making, money-making work and a chiropractor visit? I think I did okay. Especially considering that I have chronic neck, back and shoulder pain, anxiety and ADHD. I’m lucky I don’t regularly devolve into a puddle of pomegranate Outshine bars and analysis paralysis. Or actual physical paralysis. Suddenly I don’t feel so bad about watching 3 episodes of Big Brother and 2 episodes of Twisted Metal this week.
Why Nothing Feels Like Enough
The first answer of course is childhood trauma which I suspect I have cleverly hinted at in this post. Of course, your mileage may vary there.
Regardless, here’s the shitty trick my brain plays on me: if it ain’t finishing a novel, cranking out a podcast that goes viral or finally figuring out how to fold those fucking fitted sheets, it doesn’t “count.”
Except it totally does count because real life is all about the small, stupid consistent victories that stack up like Lego bricks until you look up and realize you should have been looking at an instruction manual the entire time. Seriously, I’ve never been able to figure out how to build anything out of Lego. Also? Fuck a Lincoln Log. I’m no good at it, I tells ya!
What was I talking about again? Oh, right, the little things you do matter. I didn’t just wake up and make 765 episodes of DC on SCREEN. Or 295 episodes of Star Trek Universe. I got there one dick joke at a time over a 10-year period.
Reframe
I don’t know, maybe the real question isn’t, “Did I do enough to write about?”
Maybe it’s, “Am I willing to acknowledge that the things I did actually matter?”
Maybe they don’t matter to most people, but there are some people for whom it mattered. Like my wife who needed help after getting sick. Or future me who will reach for more popsicles… or toilet paper.
I’m not sure I changed the world in any big way this week, but I showed up. I kept going. I didn’t butt chug Drano and nope out on everything. That’s more than enough. Until bedtime, anyway.
Since We Last Spoke…
The Social Beast
A small collection of my favorite social media contributions from this past week:
Like I mentioned, I made some podcasts:
DC on SCREEN with co-host Jason Goss
We talked Superman box office updates, the latest on what James Gunn is now calling "The Superman Saga", questions about characters' canon status in the DCU as well as a question of whether Harley and Bloodsport will be back (It's not a no!) — Plus lots of other news.
On this extra bonus episode we journey through Superman’s live-action legacy from Kirk Alyn to David Corenswet!
How comics, animation, and radio shaped his on-screen portrayals.
Why audiences embraced some Supermen and rejected others, and the socioeconomic forces at play.
The impact of evolving technology on bringing the Last Son of Krypton to life.
Why Superman always shines brightest in the darkest of times.
Listener stories: Who was your first Superman?
...and yes, we also talk about Dean Cain being a dick.
Star Trek Universe with co-host Matthew Carroll
Strange New Worlds 3x06 - “The Sehlat Who Ate Its Tail” Review
Pelia talking about her age is getting stale while Kirk becomes the Sehlat who ate its tail. Gather your telephones, maman! It’s time for a chat!
Coming Soon…
DC on SCREEN #766 - Peacemaker 2x01 - “The Ties That Grind” Review
Star Trek Universe #296 - Strange New Worlds 3x07 - “What is Starfleet?” Review